Hi friends! Thanks for checking out my query. Please give me your suggestions in the comments section. Would love to hear what you think. Cheers!
It takes one person to change your life. How they change it is up to you.Sixteen-year-old Delia Summers uses self-mutilation as a way to cope with her father’s abuse. Each cut releases the silent cries for help that she’s held back since childhood. With her parents’ divorce final, and her mother building a new life of her own, Delia and her sister Stephanie struggle to survive with their bi-polar father.Protecting her sister from their father’s clutches has become Delia’s full-time job. As the fear of failing her sister weighs upon her every day, Delia suffers the pressure of being the protector, and fighting to hide her shameful scars from the outside world. Her skate crew and her best friend Jenae are all she has to cling to when there’s no where else to go. But life gets messier when Delia finds herself connected to the new boy in town named Jackson––who just so happens to be her best friend’s new crush.As Jackson’s story unfolds, Delia realizes that scars aren’t always the permanent marks you can see, but sometimes invisible cracks in the soul that can run just as deep. Timing is everything in this crazy world and Jackson and Delia may have met just in time. Before Delia caves in to her desire to die, she may soon understand what it means to live.SCAR TISSUE is a YA dark contemporary complete at 65,000 words.
Looks good. I love love love the last line. "Before Delia caves in to her desire to die, she may soon understand what it means to live."
ReplyDeletePowerful stuff here. Dark, edgy - I love it. I suggest a few minor tweaks and that's it:
ReplyDeleteIt takes one person to change your life - might be punchier as 'One person can change your life.'
Delia finds herself connected to the new boy in town, Jackson - I'd omit the 'named' bit there.
As Jackson’s story unfolds, Delia realizes that scars aren’t always the permanent marks you can see, but sometimes invisible cracks in the soul that can run just as deep - is there a verb missing here? I wasn't sure. This sentence tripped me up a bit - or did you mean, aren't the ONLY marks? Not sure...
Before Delia caves in to her desire to die, she might just discover what it really means to live - a suggested attempt at making that final line a little more punchy and to pose more of a question.
This is great! I'm sure you'll do well with it! Good luck! :)
Wow, this sounds incredibly powerful. What a rich, detailed story. The letter is also really well-written (but I also agree with the few suggestions above.)
ReplyDeleteThe only line that jumped out at me was: Her skate crew and her best friend Jenae are all she has to cling to when there’s no where else to go.
Maybe:
She only has her best friend, Jenae, and (their?) skate crew when there's nowhere else to go. Or some other variation on this sentence?
Also, maybe add something a bit more specific at the end about why Jackson is the one who makes her understand life differently?
How exciting that you're almost ready to query - I know you'll do great! :D
Ooo sounds good! Nice work on the query. One comment - could you tie your tag line into the query somehow? Best of luck to you!
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting but maybe try to focus on what makes this book different from other self-harm contemporary books out there. What makes this story unique? What are the stakes? This gives us a chilling summary of Delia's problems, but no specifics on the actual plot.
ReplyDeleteBlerg. I was commenting on twitter instead of here. So: I want to read! So that's good. Tiny nit-picks. Want to know how old sister is. I don't believe bipolar is hyphenated and since you name Jenae as her best friend, refer to her by name instead of repeating best friend in reference to Jackson.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening, gives good intro to mc. The second line is gorgeous, but don't think it's necessary for query. Is the abusive father given custody? Why? Maybe, mom can't do it ... forced to live with father?
ReplyDelete"As the fear of failing her sister ... every day" you don't need is repetitive with next part of sentence.
What exactly does Delia want overall? to protect her sister? You mention thoughts of suicide in final sentence, which caught me off-guard ... Does she want to die, but stays for her sister? If suicide is on her mind, it should be mentioned sooner in query. I don't know if you need to mention her friends, since they don't seem tied to main conflict.
Overall, I don't really know what her goals are and how she goes about reaching her goal or solving her problem. Then you need to set up stakes. What will happen if she doesn't solve the problem?
"finds herself connected to Jackson" is confusing ... does she feel a romantic connection or are they long lost siblings?
They meet just in time for what?
It is well written, but I have no idea what Delia wants and how she's going to get it and what gets in her way. How exactly does Jackson fit into the problem and what exactly will she gain or lose if she doesn't reach her goals.
If this boy shows up, shares his own problems just in time to stop her from killing herself ... that's big stakes either she chooses life or death. And if she dies, what will happen to her sister?
Your words are fabulous! I'd read it because of the writing.
Great query, Heather. The previous comments have caught most of what I would have pointed out. The only thing I'm left wondering about is the phrase "As Jackson’s story unfolds"--what story, exactly? Do you mean "as she gets to know him," or is there something about him in particular that you're referring to?
ReplyDeleteAwesome job!
Cutters aren't cutting because they are suicidal, usually. Bipolar is one word. How is the father abusive? Is he on meds? Off meds? Need to know stakes more. What does MC want? What gets in her way?
ReplyDeleteWhat an intense story, Heather! That really comes through in the query. I've added some in-line questions/suggestions below in the [ ]. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt takes one person to change your life. How they change it is up to you.
Sixteen-year-old Delia Summers uses self-mutilation [I wonder if “self-mutilation” is a little too far removed from the MC’s voice? Is there another way to capture the essence of this without being so technical? Maybe say “uses razorblades to drown out the pain caused by her father’s abuse.”] as a way to cope with her father’s abuse. Each cut releases the silent cries for help that she’s held back since childhood. With her parents’ divorce final, and her mother building a new life of her own, Delia and her sister Stephanie struggle to survive with their bi-polar father. [Not sure you need this last sentence. I think the important part is the abuse and protecting her sister. The mom seems irrelevant (maybe?)]
Protecting her sister from their father’s clutches [She can keep her sister out of his clutches or protect her from his violence, but something about protecting her from his clutches is a little awkward] has become Delia’s full-time job. As the fear of failing her sister weighs upon her every day [Is it the fear of failing the sister or the fear of her sister ending up like her (abused and hurting herself) that weighs on her?], Delia suffers the pressure of being the protector, and fighting to hide her shameful scars from the outside world. Her skate crew and her best friend Jenae are all she has to cling to when there’s nowhere else to go. But life gets messier when Delia finds herself connected to [maybe “connecting with" instead?] the new boy in town named Jackson––who just so happens to be her best friend’s new crush.
As Jackson’s story unfolds, Delia realizes that scars aren’t always the permanent marks you can see, but sometimes invisible cracks in the soul that can run just as deep [You can clean this up a little with something like “Delia realizes that some scars are harder to see, but that invisible cracks in the soul can run just as deep.”]. Timing is everything in this crazy world and Jackson and Delia may have met just in time. Before Delia caves in to her desire to die [If wanting to die is the big story struggle, maybe mention it sooner? I didn’t get the impression she wanted to die, I just thought it was a way to mask the other pain.], she may soon understand what it means to live. [Maybe rearrange the last line to something like “Jackson must help Delia learn what it means to live before she caves into her desire to die.” to really capitalize on the tension of their relationship.]
SCAR TISSUE is a YA dark contemporary complete at 65,000 words.
So I really sat on this a lot before jumping in with my suggestion because I'm wary of giving critiques that might not sit well with someone. But I'll give it a try and see...
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kathleen and Lauren.
I got lost once it got to "But life gets messier when Delia finds herself connected to.."
I'm not a query expert (my CPs help me with that) but two of the few things I've learned so far that can apply to your query are:
1. What does your MC want? (E.g in Delia's case, is she vying for something where someone with a bipolar father should not be in charge, and her past could be used against her? Or is she suicidal but really wants to live?)
After I finished writing my first draft, I sent out a test query to my CP and BFF, Amanda Shayne Aszman. She brought this point to my attention and I had to rework not just my query, but my plot. But you might have that figured out in your draft already. Just make it reflect in your query.
2. Specifics (I learned this thanks to Natalie Knaub-Traver).
Your query is really great for the first two paragraphs until it gets to the point I mentioned above that confused me. It becomes less specific from there onward.
I'm really not sure what suggestion to give you on how to handle that because I haven't read your book and I don't know what amount of specifics can be included without spoiling a major plot point, but I trust you to figure it out.
E.g: Delia's best friend might be the only one stopping Delia from committing suicide -- assuming Delia's want is to live-- and going out with Jackson would complicate things because Jackson is unstable, and Jenae is her stronghold.
The stakes could be as simple as this.
Actually, the simpler, the better. So the readers would figure out more surprises when they read the real book. :)
So hope this helps...and good luck!
@Kathleen I definitely understand what you're saying, but more often than not, the people I've known going through this were suicidal. It's very sad.
ReplyDelete@Stacey Trombley That's my favorite line as well. :)
ReplyDelete@Suzanne Great suggestions! Thank you!
ReplyDelete@Kathy Kottaras Thank you!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous I'll give it a go. Thank you!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous Thank you. Will work on it.
ReplyDelete@Olivia Hinebaugh I was thinking the same thing. Thank you!
ReplyDelete@Kathleen Palm These are perfect notes. Thanks!
ReplyDelete@Lauren S Thank you!
ReplyDelete@sbcrispell Ooh thanks for this!
ReplyDelete@Ifeoma Dennis Wonderful. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteBelow are my brutally honest comments. Coddling and pats on the back help none of us trying to break in, and I prefer brutally honest feedback when I request critiques of my work, so that’s what I’ll give you. Please understand, I’m only doing what I would prefer done to my own work.
ReplyDeleteThe good:
1. SCARS sounds like exactly what you billed it as on twitter: A compelling dark YA novel.
2. I love the opening (your first line) and your use of the bold font to open the query. It’s powerful and it pulls a person in – bravo.
3. You also use some great “buzz words” such as scars, protector, pressure, “cracks in the soul,” and deep – those all spoke to me on an emotional level (always a good thing).
The bad:
1. What are the stakes? I gather that Delia’s a cutter and her father is abusive to her and her sister (which is obviously not a good situation), but what is motivating Delia/ forcing her to do something to change? What does she want?
a. Is she planning her own suicide?
b. Is she planning her father’s murder?
c. Is she going to kill her sister out of mercy?
Up the ante here for me and make me root for Delia.
2. Stakes redux– Delia likes her best friend’s crush (also a sticky high school situation), but what makes this different?
a. Is Jenae Delia’s only “positive” in her daily life?
b. What would happen if Delia makes a play for Jackson (other than the obvious)? Would Jenae alienate Delia from the skate crew?
c. Why are Delia and Jackson a better match than Jenae and Jackson?
The Ugly:
1. I think I really like where you’re going with this, but it’s only a hunch at this point.
a. You mention something about “Jackon’s story unfolding” and finding that scars “aren’t always the permanent marks you can see.” I have a hunch Jackson is also a cutter (or was in the past), and because of this they (Delia and Jackson) are kindred spirits who discover a bond between them that will save them both/ allow them both to find happiness with one another, etc. If that is the case give me something more than “Jackson’s story unfolding” to make that clear. You have an incredible gift with using buzzwords and catchy phrases, and I’m sure you can massage this to make it say what you want (if my hunch is correct anyways).
If I’ve missed the mark here, my apologies.
Below, I’ve tweaked the first two paragraphs of your query to tighten it up. I’d be happy do a line-edit of your query if you wish (at least my opinion of a line edit), but I don’t want to overstep my bounds. Like you, I’m just one writer trying to help another and I know queries need to be as concise as possible because we only get ½ second before an agent’s eyes gloss over and they say, “next.”
It takes one person to change your life. How they change it is up to you.
Sixteen-year-old Delia Summers uses self-mutilation as a way to cope with her father’s abuse. Each cut releases the silent cries for help she’s held back since childhood. With her parents’ divorce final and her mother moving on, Delia is forced into a new role – that of protector.
Protecting her sister, Stephanie, from their abusive bi-polar father is a full-time job though, and the pressure weighs upon Delia every day. The only break Delia gets is with her best friend Jenae and her skate crew – the two good things Delia clings to for relief. Even with Jenae and the skate crew though, Delia must fight to conceal her scars as the urge to cut just a little too deep next time grows.
Then Jackson shows up and…
Again, just my 2 cents.
I don't yet have a blog or a way to sign off, so I'll just use my twitter handle for now: @marcusallyn
I hope this helps.